Mr. Hawaiian Pizza

A short script for a short film, I guess. I wrote it very quickly some time ago in an empty hostel kitchen where the automatic light kept going off, so most of it was an exercise in multi-tasking as I swore and waved my hands in the air. Therefore, if you think it’s terrible, you should blame inadequately calibrated motion sensors. (To be honest, the main reason I’m publishing this is because I’m backed up against the wall with this blog schedule! If anyone wants to write my blog for me, please get in touch…)

MR. HAWAIIAN PIZZA

SETTING

INSIDE A BRIGHTLY-COLOURED TAKEAWAY PIZZA SHOP.

CHARACTERS

GIRL: EARLY TWENTIES, ALWAYS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER IN A GARISH UNIFORM AND A HEADSET. CLEARLY A PART-TIME JOB AND CLEARLY SHE FINDS IT DULL.

BOY: EARLY TWENTIES, DISHEVELLED APPEARANCE AND CLOTHING SUGGEST HE’S A STUDENT.

SCRIPT

BLACK SCREEN.

SOUNDS OF BUSY PIZZA SHOP. WE HEAR SOMEONE TAKING AN ORDER ON THE PHONE AND PEOPLE COLLECTING THEIR PIZZAS. A DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND SHUT.

TITLE CARD: MONDAY

FADE IN.

BOY ENTERS SHOP, LOOKS AROUND BRIEFLY AND WALKS UP TO COUNTER.

GIRL: Good evening. How can I help you?

BOY: Er yeah, I’d like a Hawaiian pizza.

GIRL: Certainly sir. Small, medium or –

BOY: Medium, please.

SHE ENTERS THE ORDER ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN IN FRONT OF HER.

GIRL: No problem. Would you like anything else with that? Sides, drinks –

BOY: No, that’s all, thanks.

GIRL: Certainly sir. Can I have your name, please?

BOY: Pardon?

GIRL: Your name, for your order.

BOY: Oh. Oh, okay. I don’t just get a number?

GIRL: No sir. We ask for names here.

BOY: I could just give you any name though. As long as I remembered it.

GIRL: Certainly sir.

HE SMILES.

BOY: Okay, let’s say… Bradley.

GIRL: Bradley?

BOY: Sure, why not?

SHE ENTERS HIS NAME ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN.

GIRL: Okay Bradley, thanks for your order. That’ll be about ten minutes.

THEY STAND IN SILENCE. SLOW FADE OUT AS THE CAMERA BACKS OUT OF THE SHOP.

TITLE CARD: TUESDAY

FADE IN.

BOY ENTERS SHOP, WALKS STRAIGHT UP TO COUNTER.

SHE DOESN’T RECOGNISE HIM.

GIRL: Good evening. How can I help you?

BOY: Er yeah, I’d like a Hawaiian pizza.

GIRL: Certainly sir. Small, medium or –

BOY: Medium, please.

SHE ENTERS THE ORDER ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN AS BEFORE.

GIRL: That’s great. Would you like anything else with that? Sides, drinks –

BOY: No, that’s all, thanks.

GIRL: Certainly sir. Can I have your name, please?

BOY: You don’t remember my name?

GIRL: Sorry, no. Have you been here before?

BOY: Yeah, I was here yesterday.

GIRL: Sorry sir. We’re glad you’re back. What was your name again?

BOY: It was Bradley yesterday.

GIRL: It’s not Bradley today?

BOY: Nah, today it’s Thomas.

SHE STARES AT HIM, ALMOST SMILING, AND ENTERS HIS NAME.

GIRL: Okay… Thomas. That’ll be about ten minutes.

THEY STAND IN SILENCE. SLOW FADE OUT AS THE CAMERA BACKS OUT OF THE SHOP.

TITLE CARD: WEDNESDAY

FADE IN.

BOY ENTERS SHOP, WALKS STRAIGHT UP TO COUNTER.

SHE RECOGNISES HIM AND SMILES.

GIRL: Hey there. How can I help you?

BOY: Er yeah, I’d like a Hawaiian pizza.

HE SEES HER ABOUT TO SPEAK.

BOY: Oh, medium. And that’s all I want.

GIRL: Certainly sir.

SHE ENTERS THE ORDER AND SHAKES HER HEAD AS SHE THINKS ABOUT WHAT SHE’S ABOUT TO ASK. SHE ALMOST CERTAINLY REMEMBERS WHAT HE SAID HIS NAME WAS, BUT ASKS THE QUESTION ANYWAY.

GIRL: Can I have your name, please?

HE SMILES.

BOY: Hezekiah.

SHE LETS OUT A SNORT OF LAUGHTER.

GIRL: Heze-what?

BOY: Hezekiah. H-E-Z-E-K-I-A-H.

GIRL: Hezekiah. That’s an unusual name.

BOY: Yeah, it’s Biblical.

GIRL: You religious?

BOY: Not really. You?

GIRL: Not really.

SHE ENTERS HIS NAME.

GIRL: That’ll be about ten minutes, Hezekiah.

THEY KEEP CHATTING. SLOW FADE OUT AS THE CAMERA BACKS OUT OF THE SHOP.

TITLE CARD: THURSDAY

FADE IN.

YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

GIRL: Hey there! You’re in here a lot, you know.

BOY: I could say the same thing about you.

GIRL: True enough. How can I – wait, let me guess. Hawaiian pizza?

BOY: Correct!

GIRL: Medium?

BOY: You know it.

GIRL: No sides or drinks.

BOY: A perfect score, good work!

GIRL: Oh, and can I have your name, please?

BOY: You ready?

GIRL: Oh, I think I can handle it.

HE REPLIES WITH A PERFECTLY STRAIGHT FACE.

BOY: It’s Table.

SHE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.

GIRL: Table?

BOY: Yeah, you know, like the piece of furniture?

GIRL: Whatever you say, Table.

THEY KEEP CHATTING ANIMATEDLY. SLOW FADE OUT AS THE CAMERA BACKS OUT OF THE SHOP.

TITLE CARD: FRIDAY

FADE IN.

YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

GIRL: Why Hello there, Mr. Hawaiian Pizza.

BOY: Hey, that’s not my name!

GIRL: No? Surely it will be eventually.

BOY: Come on, you have to ask.

SHE SMILES, PRETENDING NOT TO UNDERSTAND.

GIRL: Small, medium or –

BOY: Not that! You know that!

SHE GIVES OUT A MELODRAMATIC SIGH.

GIRL: Sir, can I have your name, please?

BOY: My name? Oh, I don’t have a name.

SHE PUTS HER HANDS OVER HER FACE AND SHAKES HER HEAD.

GIRL: You don’t have a name.

BOY: Nope, you can see my birth certificate, it’s completely blank. Parents forgot to give me one. They regretted that, let me tell you. For years, they’d be like “Oi… you… come over here.” and then they’d turn to each other and say “You know what, I really wish we’d remembered to give that boy a name.”

SHE STARES AT HIM FOR A GOOD FEW SECONDS, TRYING NOT TO LAUGH.

GIRL: You’re funny, you know that?

BOY: Well, it’s easy when you’ve got a whole day to think up what to say. That’s pretty much all I do, you know? As soon as you give me my pizza, I go home and sit at my desk, brainstorming things to say to you. I don’t move until I’ve got to come back here.

SHE LAUGHS.

GIRL: Okay, but you didn’t have a whole day to think up that.

BOY: Sure, I thought that up days ago. I’ve just been waiting for you to comment on how funny I am.

GIRL: Oh really? Have you made up replies to other things I might say?

BOY: Of course I have.

GIRL: Go on.

BOY: I’ve got a ready-made response for the day that you say: “How come you eat so much pizza? Surely that can’t be healthy.” And I’ve also got a response for when you say: “I think I might like you. Do you want to go out for dinner?”

SHE PRETENDS NOT TO BE AMUSED.

GIRL: Okay then. Okay, I’ve got a question for you.

BOY: Shoot.

GIRL: How come you eat so much pizza? Surely that can’t be healthy.

HE LAUGHS.

BOY: What, you think I’m eating this pizza? That would be mad. I just need the boxes for a fort I’m building. I throw the pizza away.

GIRL: Kind of an expensive fort.

BOY: Wait, the money’s for the pizza? I thought I was just paying you to speak to me, and this place happened to give away free food.

GIRL: Oh I see, so I’m a conversation whore?

BOY: I prefer the term lady of the night.

GIRL: Okay then.

BOY: Okay then.

THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER IN SILENCE. EVENTUALLY SHE ROLLS HER EYES.

GIRL: You know what, I think I might like you. Do you want to go out for dinner?

BOY: Yes.

SHE LAUGHS.

GIRL: Not pizza.

BOY: Not pizza.

GIRL: One last question then.

BOY: Go on.

GIRL: Can I have your name, please?

CLOSE-UP ON BOY SMILING.

CUT TO BLACK.

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