Maryann is from Long Island in the US state of New York. I met her in Nelson back in December and I’ve been cajoling her to write me a blog for months now, because I’m mean like that but also because I knew she’d be good at it. We met up in Wellington a couple of weeks ago, just before she flew home, and I’m delighted that she’s since found the time to write something for me.
I wanted Maryann to write something because she’s thoughtful and reflective, and also has a contrasting perspective to me. For example, we have very different opinions on whether or not praying to St Anthony is likely to help you find things that you’ve lost. It’s always good to listen to people with a different point of view (which is obviously the only reason I keep my right-wing banker friends around) and this is a topic that’s very close to my heart.
Maryann, I think maybe we agree quite a lot on the subject of love. Thanks for finding the time to write this honest and beautiful piece…
Truly Love or Something Else?
Love is a wonderful thing. It is something so pure and comforting that some people spend their whole lives searching for it. Love is different than any other emotion or feeling on the planet. Love has the ability to heal and bring people closer together. Love knows no boundaries and it is eternal. Love is probably the strongest thing we can experience in our lives and it is truly a beautiful state of being.
To know real love, one must honestly know themselves. Love starts from within. It grows inside us when we decide to let go of fear and nurture ourselves. The amount of love that we can share with others directly depends on how much we love ourselves. This type of love is different than narcissim. It is about accepting every piece of who we are, without judgment, and allowing our true selves to shine out into the world. True love is pure and uncomplicated. All you need to do is open your heart and quiet your mind.
I know you’re wondering why I chose to discuss such a topic. Well it is because I am in the process of discovering what true love is and also what it is not. There is a huge difference between love, lust, and infatuation. I am by no means an expert but I’m working on navigating through the emotions that are associated with these various states of mind.
You see, I’m in a bit of a pickle at the moment. Here’s the back story. I worked with a guy for 3 weeks while I was on the north island of New Zealand. I instantly felt a strong connection with him and we became very close very quickly. I admitted that I was physically attracted to him and he confessed that he would rather just be friends (which was fine because he had a girlfriend at the time). We were still rather flirty together and always chatted each other up. My feelings for him grew very strong and I was on an emotional rollercoaster for 2 out of those 3 weeks. I had not felt this strong of a connection in a really long time so it knocked me off my feet. I was smitten or infatuated or whatever you want to call it. We had a lot of fun but it was time for me to move on. I left to go to my job on the south island and said my goodbye to him. We shared a long embrace and then I was gone.
Now he was the type of guy that was very distant at times. I could never tell how he truly felt and there were times when his body language and actions were screaming ‘player’ from a mile away. He flirted with all the girls and he was very charming to say the least. This confused and irritated me at the same time. Maybe we were just friends. Maybe the connection and strong physical attraction was only one sided. But the chemistry felt so strong between us or was I imagining it all?
I called him a few times at the hostel after I left and he added me on Facebook a few days later. We started messaging each other back and forth but I got fed up with it all. I stopped talking to him and actually defriended him from Facebook. He said he would visit me at my new job but he never did. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was done and it was time to get over him and move on with my life.
It took a couple months but I was finally starting to get over this whole situation. Or so I thought. Remember, the Universe always has other plans. After finishing my job, I traveled around the south island of New Zealand and I was having a fantastic time. I was really enjoying every second of it. I accomplished so many things that I had wanted to do. Then I returned to New Plymouth. I visited the hostel where I used to work with this guy. That’s when all the feelings and memories started flooding back. I was a little overwhelmed and I knew it wasn’t over.
I started seeing his name everywhere and this would go on for the next month. I mean it was becoming rather ridiculous. So yesterday, after careful deliberation, I decided to send him a message one last time. And wouldn’t you know it, he messaged me within minutes and said he was glad to hear from me and that he would write me a longer message once he made it to his next destination. This was the point when my heart started to race and I began to get nervous. All the uncomfortable feelings came back and I felt like running away again. Oh boy, here we go again! We will see how this all unfolds in the future.
The point of this story is not to bore you with the sappy details of my love life. It is to explain to all of you out there that sometimes you have to take big risks in order to receive big rewards. Sometimes you have to become so uncomfortable and break your heart wide open so that you’re ready for true love when it does finally cross your path (and it most certainly will if you’re open to it). Sometimes the wrong people prepare you for the right one. It takes courage to feel and to accept that you’re not perfect and that nothing is perfect. Do I know what will happen with all of this? Definitely not. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that everyone you meet can teach you something. Obviously, the relationship was not over (even though I tried my hardest to avoid it like the plague). The moral of the story is to accept your feelings and really experience them. Just go with the flow of life and follow your gut instincts. Your heart always knows the truth. It will be interesting to see what happens with all of this but I’m ready for the challenge and I’m ready for love.
May you all find peace and love in your lives. That is my wish for the world and that is the wish for myself.